If someone says this one more time to me I will punch him/her in the face

“You’re still here?” Is there some purgatory that 9-month pregnant women go to while waiting for labor? If so, WHERE IS IT? Because I’d like to send you there.

“Still haven’t had that baby yet, huh?” Actually, yes, I did. And then I ate my baby’s weight in pizza and beer and am keeping my child in this desk drawer because I just CANNOT stay away from my job!

“Enjoy these last days of babyless peace and quiet!” Besides the swollen feet that keep me from working out in any capacity, the constant feeling in my, er, cookie, that I’ve just completed the Tour de France, and the debilitating exhaustion that lands me square on my couch every night after work…but yeah, I sure am enjoying these last few days!

“Are you ready?” No….I’d actually like to be pregnant a few more months, please. Nine months just doesn’t cover the sheer joy I’m feeling ALL DAY LONG (see above)!

“I bet you’re looking forward to getting your body back.” It’s been nearly 10 months since I’ve had a stiff drink AND fit into anything with a zipper. I’d say I’m more than a little excited.

“Are you planning on going back to work?” What? Did someone not tell me that babies and all the equipment they require are free in Texas?

Things I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to say or do when I am a parent

1. Consider gummi worms, bears or any red chewy candy dinner. This is something I regularly did as a single girl (hello? fat free.) and still resort to in a pinch if hungry and lazy. which is often.

2. Say "fuck." I am a huge fan of this word. Second in line: "retarded." Parents don't say these things, right? I need to start replacing these words with "gosh!" and "fudge!" and completely losing all sense of my former self.

3. Watch as many obesity reality shows as I currently do. I love "Heavy," "I Used To Be Fat," "600 lbs. Mom," you name it. This kid is going to have a complex from birth.

4. Watch as much MTV as I do. Although, "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" have been wonderful educational tools for me.

5. Listen to '90s music at top volume in my car. Granted, I am now the proud owner of Ultimate Mom Car - The Honda CR-V, which just screams Hott. But I doubt my kid will appreciate Biggie's "Hypnotize," EMF's "Unbelievable," or the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" as much as I do.

Am I mature enough to be a mom?

Lazy Kid

I used to watch "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" in awe and horror. How can someone NOT KNOW she's pregnant? How detached from your body can you be? Or, how OBESE are you?

Well, now I know.

This kid is going on 5 months and I've yet to hear from him/her. Not a kick, jab or grumble. OK, yes, I get to hear the heartbeat at the doctor...but it's taken by military nurses-in-training. One of whom once mistakened my own heartbeat for the baby's and sent me into a state of shock when she said: "Hmm...normally it's faster than that. I'm going to have to get the doctor."

Turns out the baby's heartbeat is heard MUCH lower than, say, my chest, idiot.

and yes, we had the early ultrasound that showed a little peanut...but that was MONTHS ago. I need daily affirmation.

Yes, I am growing a belly...but I am also known to polish off an entire Domino's California Veggie pizza in one sitting. If this is a "craving" it's my only one and it's one I've had for 33 years (or the 10 months I've known this little pizza from heaven existed) I could easily just be fat.

I didn't get morning sickness.

My hands and feet swell in hot weather no matter what.

My new porn star rack could easily be chalked up to above pizza binges.

That "glow" as the husband puts it could be attributed to the vast amounts of sleep I get on the weekends and a recent facial.

Come ON kid. You're making mom worry.

Sick of Myself

I've been sick with the flu/cold? for the past week and a half. When NOT pregnant, I usually OD on NyQuil and Sudafed (the REAL stuff, not this Pseudo bullshit) and hit the sheets for a day and I'm good!

But Pregnant?
'
We're workin' on day 10 of Benadryl, tissues, Vaporub and whining. I wish I was pregnant in the '60s when you could drink, smoke and take cold medicine without worrying your child will end up with a third eye. This kid had BETTER be grateful he/she has all of his brain cells! I actually balled my eyes out at one point because my throat an chest hurt so bad I thought I was having a heart attack.

but I'm on the mend....and on my way to get a freakin' flu shot so we never have to endure this experience again!

Comedy Act

Fitting into clothes is getting to be a bit slapstick. Today, I was coaxing some jeans onto my 14-week pregnant body and fell over. I imagined myself as the opening credits to some cheeky '80s comedy...titled something lame like "Baby on Board!" or "9 Months and Counting!"

seriously, I would like to meet these waifs who giggle when they say they never wore maternity clothes and ate nothing but big macs for 9 months...and smack them. I am only 14 weeks! I will be shopping at Super Morbidly Obese Mom when all is said and done!

It's not like I am sitting on my ass all day...well, when I am not at work. I kickbox! I walk! I lift weights! I thought I'd be excited to see that bulge emerging, but it's less cute and more, "stop eating carbs!"

Sigh...this baby better be taking up most of the room in there. You hear me little man/woman! Momma can't end up on a Discovery Health documentary. My landlord will be pissed when they cut a hole in the house to get me out.

Latest Developments

One more week and I am officially in my second trimester! It's still so abstract to think I am going to have a kid. A kid that will bear some sort of resemblance of me. Who will have some of my personality traits. God, I hope he/she gets my sense of humor. And maybe The Husband's analytical skills and nose.

I officially grew out of a pair of pants that were too big three months ago. I invested in a belly band AND maternity undergarments. Belly, I. Am. Ready.

The Husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary completely sober this weekend in Austin. I wasn't even sober on my wedding night.

OK, I DID have a glass of wine at dinner because I am JUST at the cusp where I can still order a drink without judging facing in return. It was so delicious...but probably because I haven't pickled myself in wine in over three months. Man am I a cheap date! If you are ever in Austin, do your taste buds a favor and go to Perry's Steakhouse (http://www.perryssteakhouse.com). They also have several desserts that come ON FIRE - who doesn't want that?

It's Alive!

I heard baby's heartbeat today! It's one thing to see the flicker on the screen, quite another to hear it for yourself.

The nurse: "and...there it is! strong too!"

Me: "so it's definitely living, then? Crap. It's gonna need a crib and diapers and stuff I guess"

Nurse: "I love moms with a sense of humor."

It's goo that she got my jokes because when I got there and saw that dreaded hospital gown and the stirrups in place on the examine table I laughed and said, "Oh goody! I have been looking forward to THIS ALL DAY." and skipped into the bathroom to change. The ladies know what comes next...the guys..well, let's say it's a SPECIAL exam just for girls.

I think the hormones are making me a tad nuts.