Hello ... My name is Awkward

It had to happen eventually: I am attending my first Fort Sam Houston Spouse’s Club function tomorrow.

I’m really nervous. What will these ladies be like? Will they like me? Will I succumb to my “nervous talking thing” and spurt out whatever ridiculous nonsense that comes to my head? (Note: this is often comical to witness at bars, not so much at job interviews…). What if they’re all wearing scrunchies and tapestry vests and ask me to be part of their needlepoint group that meets on Thursdays? Or their scrapbooking weekends? (Note: I am not hating on the hobby of scrapbooking, but me? With a scrapbook and stickers and construction paper? Just … no. I don’t even have my wedding photos yet. I know, this is disgraceful in more ways than one. We’ve been married for four years.)

Worse yet: will they bring their gaggle of children and then interrogate me on my failure to procreate?

I feel like I am getting ready to start my first day of junior high. I’m off to wash my face with Seabreeze, tease my hair with Stiff Stuff and dig out my Hypercolor shirt.

Shake it ‘til you make it

There are three things I just don’t have: rhythm, mad dance skillz and flava.

I’ve been taking Zumba classes for more than a year now. In Ohio, the classes were nonstop cardio for an hour to power pop – like Beyonce. Yes, you can Zumba to “Single Ladies.”

But here? In a city with a dense Latino population? You better bring it because these ladies have moves. I feel a little bit like a bull in a china shop at my Zumba classes now. There are dance steps to get right. There is shouting and “whoop!” ing and songs I’ve never heard with words I can’t understand – except “cholo” and I do know that one should “lean like a cholo” if he wants respect.

Last night I was called out for doing a dance move wrong. CALLED OUT. As in, “No, no, no! You need to snap your hips more, honey. You look like you have to go to the bathroom. Class, let’s show her how it’s done.”

And yes, Latinos did come up with the Macarena … but I think it was solely to make white people look like asses. Have you ever actually seen a Latino do the Macarena? It’s the same reason Snoop Dog came up with “fo shizzle.” No respectable person in the black community would talk like that. But white people? Yeah, we’ve been using the phase in earnest since 2003.

Snoop and the fellows from Los Del Rio are laughing at us right now from their million-dollar mansions.

Hell is slightly cooler than Texas

People, I am just not manufactured for hot weather. I sweat - a LOT, I have really thick hair and when it's hot - even my hair follicles sweat. And today, cold chills went down my back when I looked at the forecast in San Antonio for the next 10 days.

ThuJun 11
Partly Cloudy
101°

FriJun 12
Partly Cloudy
102°

SatJun 13
Partly Cloudy
102°F

SunJun 14
Mostly Sunny
100°F

MonJun 15
Sunny
100°

TueJun 16
Sunny
99°

WedJun 17
Sunny
99°

ThuJun 18
Sunny
97°F

FriJun 19
Sunny
98°

Somebody hold me.

An open letter to the Army

Dear U.S. Army:

Here is a list of things I DO actually need to know about moving to San Antonio:

-How to freeze my mail service even though we have no new address
-How to register my car in Texas
-How to collect unemployment in Texas (I feel like the state of Ohio is all “yes! We lost another one! Someone in accounting gets a bonus!”)
-Suitable neighborhoods in San Antonio
-Does the Army offer career assistance to military spouses?
-How exactly is it that I will survive 25 hours in a car by myself on the drive down there?
-How to hire movers
-When to hire movers
-How to get out of my Urban Active contract
-How to gain access to my medical files so the doctors in Texas will know about my mental disorder
-How to fire the so-called welcome committee people who gave me three maps of San Antonio and no guidance on how to rent a house there.

Here is an actual list of things I now know or have due to our “welcome package:”
-We get discounts to Sea World, Six Flags and Disney World
-The Judson School System is geared to deal with military families
-Events/festivals going on in San Antonio in … May
-Coupons to the Hard Rock Café!
-The Military is one big family …nothing at all like that Lifetime series.

Perhaps when I get there we can discuss possible career opportunities for me in the Family Services and Recreation division of Ft. Sam Houston. I have a feeling I have a lot to bring to this table. We’ll start with coupons to the nearest bar because I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of time there.

Thanks!

Amanda

Makes Bodyshop Business seem downright interesting

A list of ACTUAL magazine titles in Texas (and no, I’m not above applying for all of them):

Tea in Texas Magazine - designed to enhance the enjoyment of travel, tea and fine living. (I am betting they use the headlines "tea time!" and"coffee, tea or me?" at least once an issue)

Cowboys & Indians Magazine – upscale Western lifestyle magazine (so wrong on so many levels.)

Divorce Magazine - in more than 100 cities across the U.S.!

Texas Horse Talk - Texas' top equine magazine for horse hobbyists and enthusiasts. (do we get to talk to horses though?)

Top ‘O' Texas Football Magazine: The only publication/web site devoted to football in West Texas. (it's not! there are about 76 magazines covering football in Texas - from all angles, regions and levels!)

That! Texas Magazine - bridges the gap between city, suburban, and rural living by connecting you with your community through in-depth coverage of lifestyles, ... (as opposed to This! Texas magazine)

Texas Cache Artifact Magazine (wtf?)

Competitor Texas - the definitive endurance sports publication of the Texas area (Read: your local steroids catalog)