Wednesday, March 9, 2011

If someone says this one more time to me I will punch him/her in the face

“You’re still here?” Is there some purgatory that 9-month pregnant women go to while waiting for labor? If so, WHERE IS IT? Because I’d like to send you there.

“Still haven’t had that baby yet, huh?” Actually, yes, I did. And then I ate my baby’s weight in pizza and beer and am keeping my child in this desk drawer because I just CANNOT stay away from my job!

“Enjoy these last days of babyless peace and quiet!” Besides the swollen feet that keep me from working out in any capacity, the constant feeling in my, er, cookie, that I’ve just completed the Tour de France, and the debilitating exhaustion that lands me square on my couch every night after work…but yeah, I sure am enjoying these last few days!

“Are you ready?” No….I’d actually like to be pregnant a few more months, please. Nine months just doesn’t cover the sheer joy I’m feeling ALL DAY LONG (see above)!

“I bet you’re looking forward to getting your body back.” It’s been nearly 10 months since I’ve had a stiff drink AND fit into anything with a zipper. I’d say I’m more than a little excited.

“Are you planning on going back to work?” What? Did someone not tell me that babies and all the equipment they require are free in Texas?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Things I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to say or do when I am a parent

1. Consider gummi worms, bears or any red chewy candy dinner. This is something I regularly did as a single girl (hello? fat free.) and still resort to in a pinch if hungry and lazy. which is often.

2. Say "fuck." I am a huge fan of this word. Second in line: "retarded." Parents don't say these things, right? I need to start replacing these words with "gosh!" and "fudge!" and completely losing all sense of my former self.

3. Watch as many obesity reality shows as I currently do. I love "Heavy," "I Used To Be Fat," "600 lbs. Mom," you name it. This kid is going to have a complex from birth.

4. Watch as much MTV as I do. Although, "16 and Pregnant" and "Teen Mom" have been wonderful educational tools for me.

5. Listen to '90s music at top volume in my car. Granted, I am now the proud owner of Ultimate Mom Car - The Honda CR-V, which just screams Hott. But I doubt my kid will appreciate Biggie's "Hypnotize," EMF's "Unbelievable," or the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" as much as I do.

Am I mature enough to be a mom?