Monday, August 31, 2009

Dr. No

I went to the doctor today for what I thought was a short “check up” to “Get me in the system” meaning TriCare – the health plan for all members of the military. I had some routine things – weight, temperature, BP, etc. which was high and the nurse didn’t get my joke that my BP has performance anxiety and is always high when someone checks it.

Three times … still high. She puts a red flag on it for the doctor. The fuh?

Then I go through the third degree where she racks up more things to do to me, smiling wickedly the whole time. I have a feeling she was not very popular in nursing school.

Did you know you need a tetanus shot every 10 years? I was scolded for not having one up to date. Shame on me. It’s not like I am habitually coming into contact with rusty nails (But doesn’t that sould like a cool name for a band? "Tonight! Tentanus Shot and the Rusty Nails!" It’s mine. I am copyright protecting it tomorrow).


So I get a shot. Then, Nurse Ratchet checks my record and proclaims, “It’s been over a year since your last pap! We need to correct that right away!” I swear she squealed with delight and clapped her hands.

Let me tell you, getting a Pap Smear is never the idea of a good time for any girl. Getting a surprise Pap Smear? That's just playing dirty. Why not just tell me that I am also going into labor?

An hour and several tests and exams later I am on my way - shaking and dazed - with an appointment time for MORE blood work. This time, I know in advance that a needle’s comin’ at me.

And no one will be anywhere near my cookie.

Homeward Bound

The Husband and I hit up the beach at Port Aransas this weekend. That’s one of my favorite parts about living in San Antonio – I am a mere two hours from the Gulf Coast. I like that while my Ohio friends are shivering in 60-degree, cloudy weather, I was drinking a Miller Lite and happily giving my skin sun damage in my beach chair. Life is good.

I do get to experience those below-normal Cleveland temps in a few short days! I’m coming back to Cleveland for a friend’s wedding and I am probably more excited than anyone visiting Ohio should be. I can’t wait to drink some Great Lakes beer and eat pomme frites from Bar Cento.

It’s weird, I am starting to meet people here but I doubt they’ll ever replace my friends back home. I can’t wait to see Jen “Peanut Butter Crackers” McMullen-Clements, Beth “I must point to something in every photo I take” Stallings and Shrill Lyndsey! I love you girls.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

New Member Open House

I survived my first Spouses' Club mixer. But not without inadvertently signing myself up for, like, eight committees and groups. Am I interested in seeing a Broadway production of The Lion King? Yep! Do I want a free facial from Mary Kay? Sure! Do I want to join a book club where they read books meant for adults (and not from the Chick Lit section of Borders)? Of course! Do I want to join arts and crafts and learn how to make my very own Christmas cards? Sign. Me. Up.

I get very flustered very easily and, when bombarded by throngs of 30-to-70-somethings thrusting sign-up sheets and pamphlets in my face, I lost it a little. At least I had the good sense to wear black to absorb my nervous sweat without being conspicuous. Did you know that not a lot of people in San Antonio wear black? Something about it absorbing heat, what with all the hotness and the Africa-like conditions and everything. I suspect this is also why I have the only black car in the Lone Star State.

The whole “Open House” experience is not unlike the first day of Sorority Rush – except instead of asking your major, they ask your husband’s rank and position (Note: I should probably learn this info). I got so many confused looks when I admitted I was from Cleveland and a “new to all of this Army stuff” I felt like I was hosting a junior high Quiz Bowl match.

… for those of you playing along, it’s because there is no Army base in Cleveland and most Army wives on Fort Sam Houston have been living on or near bases their entire lives. Someone even asked me if it was near Schofield Barracks (On Oahu, Hawaii) and I was all, "Oh, honey."

The bright spot at this event is that I actually made a friend! Look at me go with my social butterfly-ness! Ironically, I would have met her anyway since her husband works with mine but it was nice to know she didn’t routinely wear a scrunchie OR a vest, she loves reality TV and she’s actually from Rocky River! So we had a lot in common. What a relief. Now I’ll have someone to go to bunco parties with. Yes, I made a point to signed up for that event …. but mostly because booze was involved.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Hello ... My name is Awkward

It had to happen eventually: I am attending my first Fort Sam Houston Spouse’s Club function tomorrow.

I’m really nervous. What will these ladies be like? Will they like me? Will I succumb to my “nervous talking thing” and spurt out whatever ridiculous nonsense that comes to my head? (Note: this is often comical to witness at bars, not so much at job interviews…). What if they’re all wearing scrunchies and tapestry vests and ask me to be part of their needlepoint group that meets on Thursdays? Or their scrapbooking weekends? (Note: I am not hating on the hobby of scrapbooking, but me? With a scrapbook and stickers and construction paper? Just … no. I don’t even have my wedding photos yet. I know, this is disgraceful in more ways than one. We’ve been married for four years.)

Worse yet: will they bring their gaggle of children and then interrogate me on my failure to procreate?

I feel like I am getting ready to start my first day of junior high. I’m off to wash my face with Seabreeze, tease my hair with Stiff Stuff and dig out my Hypercolor shirt.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Please Advise

Although I am beginning to feel like a local here in San Anton (no one actually calls it San Antonio OR the Alamo City – except the Chamber of Commerce), there are some things I just don’t get:

How can every restaurant be voted “Best Margarita in the City”?

How come we can go 70 mph on the highway … but no one actually does? This is five more miles extra than Ohio highways, people! I want to feel the wind in my hair at 70! Or, at least above 60 mph. Please fix.

Why are there no less than five weather segments on any given newscast? We all know what it will be tomorrow: F*cking hot and party sunny.

Why is the news so sensational here? Every news piece gets its own dramatic intro music – I swear I saw a news story about the lines at the Head Start building today. That was the story: The lines are long. The Husband’s and my favorite news channel is Fox, mostly because of the cheesy banter between the weather guy (I heart Alex Garcia) and the news casters. And they don’t sit at the big desk like in Cleveland (perhaps Ohio newscasters are simply lazy?)… they stand like they’re waiting for the keg to open at a cookout or something. It’s like watching Anchorman. “News team…assemble!”

Why didn’t neon Spandex biker pants go out of style yet in San Antonio?

How come the tax free weekend won’t cover a brand new Kate Spade messenger bag? I am going back to school and I need it.

How come, despite a quarterly pest control guy and my own “pest management practice” (read: spraying the baseboards with store-purchased any killer) I have ants in my balsamic vineager? And …really? Basamic? Don’t ants usually hide in sugar? … perhaps I am living with ants that have developed sophisticated palates.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Here are the top 10 things I cannot live without in San Antonio:

[Editor's Note: OK I stole this idea from a fellow blogging San Antonio newcomer who actually gets HER blogs posted on the San Antonio New Express Web site. She moved here two months before we did…stealing my dream job of blogging about San Anton with a purpose (read: pay check)! But I enjoy her blogs anyway and we actually have a lot in common…]

1.Chips and salsa. I'm not sure I've been to a restaurant that doesn't serve these up upon arrival YET. So far our fav is the salsa at Guajillo's (which I can never write without googling the proper spelling...sigh).

2. Bodies of water. I am just NOT accustomed to months-long stretches of 100+ degree days.... At least we can escape by tubing or kayaking on the Guadalupe and Comal, lounging at Canyon Lake (if it hasn’t dried up yet from lack of rain) or a day-trip to the ocean! In Cleveland we had the mighty banks of … Lake Erie. Which, more often than not, was not suitable for swimming due to high levels of bacteria. Yes, they do have this issue here…but that just means you go to another lake, or river, or the ocean …they’re all within a day’s drive!

3. The pool at Fort Sam. probably should be shuffled in with bodies of water, but I like having access to a pool (it’s on base) because it allows me to interact with people while The Husband is at work. I feel like a part of a community – even though, while I’m there I usually just plow through books and magazines, only stopping every 20 min. or so to jump in the water.

4. The Quarry Market (or “The Quarry” as the locals call it). It has the same vibe as Crocker Park but it also meets all of my shopping needs in one place: Whole Foods (it’s my Trader Joe’s substitute since there are NO TJ’s in the entire state of Texas – WTF?), Borders and … Old Navy. Normally, I despise this store because it’s usually filled with ill-fitting clothing made by 8-year-olds in Guam and crying babies. But when you need a collection of sundresses and tank tops to get you through a San Antonio summer, well, the ON and its annoying talking mannequins have won me over with their cheap prices. And? Every first day of the month military members get a 10% discount! Which brings me to …

5. My military ID. I get a mad discount everywhere with this baby! Not only can I buy non-taxed clothes, shoes (I got new Nike Shox for $70!), liquor (tequila is dirt cheap at the Class Six) and groceries from the PX, I saved money on my rental car (for when I am back in Cleveland next month), hotels, books, Old Navy, you name it. I look morbidly obese in the photo, but most people never look at it.

6. Sunscreen. Because jesus on a pogo stick do I burn easy this close to the equator!

7. Skirts. Because … did I mention it’s hot in Texas? It's like built-in wardrobe air conditioning. I haven’t worn pants since May. In fact, I tried on a pair of pants the other day and they were way too big! I guess I am losing some weight (likely due to all the sweating in the heat. It's hot here) … which brings me to …

8. My Gold’s Gym membership. I’m not sure you could call me an exercise addict because I’d have to be stick thin to qualify, no? But I am at this place - which is a scant 2 miles from my house - EVERY DAY, SOMETIMES TWICE. I’m not bragging by any means. It’s my outlet for stress, sadness, loneliness and anger. Plus, I found several classes that I just love: BodyJam is sort of like training to be a Britney backup singer or in an R&B music video. I’ve learned a lot of crazy dances and moves. Granted, that rhythm and skill I don’t have in Zumba? Yeah, it applies here too. But it’s way fun to groove to “Party Like a Rock Star” and “Turnin Me On” By Keri Hilson/Lil Wayne. Then there’s BodyAttack which is hard to describe. It’s like boot camp – you run in place and do calisthenics and jumping jacks until you pass out. I love it. Plus, the instructors are really fun and the people in the classes are not tan, anorexic cougars like back home....they're real people.

9. Facebook. True to its advertising, it’s my connection to my friends and family. And when you’re often alone for 8-hour stretches, it’s vital to my sanity.

10. The Husband. Aw, I know, sap. But he is my rock here. My best friend and … the only one I know in this city other than my Aveda Institiute hair stylist – and that’s only because it took about three and a half hours to make me a blonde yesterday, so we had some time to chat.

Monday, August 10, 2009

So how'd you find me?

Here are some awesome things people Google and end up at my blog, according to my site stats:

Jello shot wife Texas (I’d like to meet her!)

larger than 5 ounce jello shot container (what’s with all the Jello referrals? Oh yeah)

san antonio craigslist personals dont work (Do you really need to google it to figure that out?)

antonio zumba ohio (eh, boring)

TUBE HUSWIFE (this is from Greece and my page comes up with about 30 or so porn pages…I bet this guy (girl?) was really disappointed to find my me bitching about hot weather instead of a kinky “huswife”

Myleene Davis + scam (someone else who’s been burned by WB digitals Media)

real next door house wife tubes (is this popular in Greece?)

Keeping Austin Wierd

I’m a little bit in love with Austin.

No offense, San Anton.

It was a rough week for me so The Husband and I decided to get away for the weekend. Thanks to Marriott rewards, we stayed at a fabu hotel a block away from Austin’s famous Sixth Street. The area is completely dead during the day, save a few panhandlers who try to trick you into believing they’re not ACTUALLY panhandlers, but people providing you with vital information. One tried to explain to The Husband about debit card vs. credit card fees. Except he was way wrong and way drunk.

Oddly, we’ve been in Texas for almost two months and have YET to go to a barbeque place. Probably out of fear I will become morbidly obese after one bite of brisket. That’s one thing I noticed…everyone has their favorite barbeque place here. And they all claim to be “true barbeque – very rustic.” What does this mean, exactly? I like frills like actual tables and napkins and sanitary cooking conditions…

So, we ventured to “world famous” (because every BBQ joint is, you know) Stubb’s. I have to say … it is on my top list of favorite BBQ joints … but probably because I’ve only been to a handful in my life, and one of them is Famous Dave’s.

We walked around the UT campus because I thought I would get to be a Longhorn this fall since I am taking classes at University of Texas at San Antonio. But I was wrong…apparently UTSA is NOT an extension of UT at Austin. The school even has its own athletic department. So, this fall I will be a UTSA … wait for it … Roadrunner. (mee meep)
Oh well…I bought a UT t-shirt anyway…even if it IS going against Buckeye law

My favorite neighborhood in Austin has to be SoCo where the best candy store resides: Big Top. You can buy scorpion and grub suckers and every candy you can think of from every country. I opted for gummy worms because I am all about the chewy gooey.

And, while I am getting used to Texas heat, after four hours outside on a 103 degree day, I was showing signs of heat exhaustion (read: I was complaining) so we went back to the hotel to glam it up for our night on Sixth Street.

Note: Nothing happens on Sixth Street until after 8 p.m.

We realized this at 6 p.m. while sitting in an empty Thirsty Nickel listening to a band ... set up.


So we searched for a place to eat a semi-healthy meal. I know, right? But I had already exceeded my caloric intake for the day at Stubb’s so we ended up at Parkside – which stuck out like a sore thumb among the Tex Mex joints on this road. The outside advertised the best hamburgers in Texas but was actually more of an oyster and raw bar. Huh? I had an awesome fig and steak salad and wondered if you are actually supposed to eat the entire fig or just the inside – anyone?

After dinner we mosey-ed (heh) to Maggie Mae's for blues on the patio and then hit the roof top bar. It was so fun. I remember when Cleveland had this kind of entertainment (the Basement – I miss you).

Also, a note: You know you’ve acclimated to Texas when you’re wearing jeans and it’s 97 degrees out. Because…you have to wear your jeans and boots on Sixth Street. Except for me, espadrilles were substituted for boots. Sorry, I am just not there yet.

Sunday we headed to Lake Austin, which I thought would be awesome for relaxing in the sun. Um, no. I’m sure it’s a nice area, just not what I had in mind for a relaxing day on the beach. So we headed to the Hula Hut for lunch and mai tais (yes, we drink a lot on the weekends…) It was right on the water and you sort of forget you’re in Texas for awhile (until someone comes in wearing a cowboy hat). It really did remind us of Waikiki – kitsch and all. Hawaii I miss you!

All in all…a great weekend, but I wish it would have been a tad cooler. Maybe in November…

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

This fire's a burnin'

Here’s something I never had to deal with in rain-sodden Cleveland: Brush fires. Right now there’s a bad one just north of us and I really hope it doesn’t come any closer. I feel so bad for those firefighters – it’s 105 degrees in the brush, along with 200 degree flames. That can’t be an easy day at the office.

Sorry this isn’t light and witty – but it IS a part of life in South Texas. I’ve uploaded some pics below. (Yes, it'd be great if I had a camera made in the millenium with an optical zoom wouldn't it? Ahem, my wedding anniversary AND birthday are coming up...)

The white you see is the smoke from the fire....Oh! and check out our view of downtown San Anton.
Notice the construction site next door.'s nice waking up to 6 a.m. hammering. Just HOW LONG does it take to build a house?

The plume of smoke is the center of the fire.

OK you get the idea...