Sunday, October 24, 2010

Lazy Kid

I used to watch "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" in awe and horror. How can someone NOT KNOW she's pregnant? How detached from your body can you be? Or, how OBESE are you?

Well, now I know.

This kid is going on 5 months and I've yet to hear from him/her. Not a kick, jab or grumble. OK, yes, I get to hear the heartbeat at the doctor...but it's taken by military nurses-in-training. One of whom once mistakened my own heartbeat for the baby's and sent me into a state of shock when she said: "Hmm...normally it's faster than that. I'm going to have to get the doctor."

Turns out the baby's heartbeat is heard MUCH lower than, say, my chest, idiot.

and yes, we had the early ultrasound that showed a little peanut...but that was MONTHS ago. I need daily affirmation.

Yes, I am growing a belly...but I am also known to polish off an entire Domino's California Veggie pizza in one sitting. If this is a "craving" it's my only one and it's one I've had for 33 years (or the 10 months I've known this little pizza from heaven existed) I could easily just be fat.

I didn't get morning sickness.

My hands and feet swell in hot weather no matter what.

My new porn star rack could easily be chalked up to above pizza binges.

That "glow" as the husband puts it could be attributed to the vast amounts of sleep I get on the weekends and a recent facial.

Come ON kid. You're making mom worry.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Sick of Myself

I've been sick with the flu/cold? for the past week and a half. When NOT pregnant, I usually OD on NyQuil and Sudafed (the REAL stuff, not this Pseudo bullshit) and hit the sheets for a day and I'm good!

But Pregnant?
We're workin' on day 10 of Benadryl, tissues, Vaporub and whining. I wish I was pregnant in the '60s when you could drink, smoke and take cold medicine without worrying your child will end up with a third eye. This kid had BETTER be grateful he/she has all of his brain cells! I actually balled my eyes out at one point because my throat an chest hurt so bad I thought I was having a heart attack.

but I'm on the mend....and on my way to get a freakin' flu shot so we never have to endure this experience again!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Comedy Act

Fitting into clothes is getting to be a bit slapstick. Today, I was coaxing some jeans onto my 14-week pregnant body and fell over. I imagined myself as the opening credits to some cheeky '80s comedy...titled something lame like "Baby on Board!" or "9 Months and Counting!"

seriously, I would like to meet these waifs who giggle when they say they never wore maternity clothes and ate nothing but big macs for 9 months...and smack them. I am only 14 weeks! I will be shopping at Super Morbidly Obese Mom when all is said and done!

It's not like I am sitting on my ass all day...well, when I am not at work. I kickbox! I walk! I lift weights! I thought I'd be excited to see that bulge emerging, but it's less cute and more, "stop eating carbs!"

Sigh...this baby better be taking up most of the room in there. You hear me little man/woman! Momma can't end up on a Discovery Health documentary. My landlord will be pissed when they cut a hole in the house to get me out.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Latest Developments

One more week and I am officially in my second trimester! It's still so abstract to think I am going to have a kid. A kid that will bear some sort of resemblance of me. Who will have some of my personality traits. God, I hope he/she gets my sense of humor. And maybe The Husband's analytical skills and nose.

I officially grew out of a pair of pants that were too big three months ago. I invested in a belly band AND maternity undergarments. Belly, I. Am. Ready.

The Husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary completely sober this weekend in Austin. I wasn't even sober on my wedding night.

OK, I DID have a glass of wine at dinner because I am JUST at the cusp where I can still order a drink without judging facing in return. It was so delicious...but probably because I haven't pickled myself in wine in over three months. Man am I a cheap date! If you are ever in Austin, do your taste buds a favor and go to Perry's Steakhouse ( They also have several desserts that come ON FIRE - who doesn't want that?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It's Alive!

I heard baby's heartbeat today! It's one thing to see the flicker on the screen, quite another to hear it for yourself.

The nurse: "and...there it is! strong too!"
Me: "so it's definitely living, then? Crap. It's gonna need a crib and diapers and stuff I guess"
Nurse: "I love moms with a sense of humor."

It's goo that she got my jokes because when I got there and saw that dreaded hospital gown and the stirrups in place on the examine table I laughed and said, "Oh goody! I have been looking forward to THIS ALL DAY." and skipped into the bathroom to change. The ladies know what comes next...the guys..well, let's say it's a SPECIAL exam just for girls.

I think the hormones are making me a tad nuts.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Team Preggers

Last night The husband tool full advantage of my ever growing waistline and took me to Rudy's ( for Barbeque.It was my first trip there sine we moved there and it was clear the number of pregnant ladies outnumbered rotund husbands by about 5 to 1. It's clear the ability to eat vast amounts of smoked meat without guilt is one advantage of being pregnant.

stay strong sistas.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


  • Constant gas – we’re talking room-clearing, eternal flatulence
  • Heartburn
  • Going to bed at 8:30 p.m.
  • Feeling “fat” all of the time
  • Back pain

Nope, these aren't MY symptoms, they're The Husband’s. Pretty sure he’s the one actually pregnant, not me.

If these are sympathy pangs, he better be open to ALSO gaining that 30 lbs the doctor told me to, as well.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Money shot

So The Husband and I had our first glimpse of lil' Jelly Bean on Tuesday with an 8-week ultrasound. Yeah, it's not what you think. It's an INTERNAL exam...meaning I got to stick a wand up in me with a small audience in the room (tech, nurse, Husband...). Not my finest moment. Then, the tech uses the wand to navigate my cookie looking for signs of life.

The whole process is a bit like when you're on a plan and you decide to forego the headphones for the movie. Then, all of a sudden people are laughing and pointing while you and sit with your in-flight magazine studying the drink menu and map of Dulles Airport in the back wondering what the hell is so damn amusing. The husband looks like he's watching a really good porn and the tech is nervously peeking around in my uterus saying "ooh, I found the bladder! Oh! There's your left ovary! You have two ovaries after all."

FINALLY Mr. McNervous McNotFunnyPants shows me the screen and points out a little flicker. "That's the heartbeat."

And then it's all worth it...except if he maybe could have let go of the wand while saying it. Hello! It's not a stick shift!

It's too early to learn the baby's sex and we don't know if he or she is normal or has some life-threatening disease...or if he/she's hiding a second brother or sister behind him/her...but we DO know that:
1. He or she is human, and
2. He or she is alive

That's enough for me for now:)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Things I experience every day in San Antonio, that are non-existent in Ohio

  • Cowboy boots with a suit
  • Five-day forecasts of nothing but triple digit temperatures and a smiley sun icon
  • Being the only white girl (gringo) in my yoga class
  • Lizards on my porch after rain
  • An hour-long news segment on the Dallas Cowboys PRE-SEASON football games.
  • Camouflage everywhere.
  • Cheaper beer prices than water and soda
  • Cowboy hats with running shoes
  • Mariachi music when I am on hold for the doctor

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Bad Idea

Never EVER search "Child birth, labor" on You Tube.

This baby is never coming out of me, ever.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Things I Crave: An 8 Week Confession

The second thing people ask me when I tell them I am pregnant (after "You? Pregnant?" OK third question...) is if I have any strange cravings. I think they're hoping for a pickles and ice cream tale, but if you know me, you know that's in my diet already. I regularly call gummi worms lunch and cereal dinner. What Baby is craving is four food groups and a healthy balance of fiber and protein, apparently. Over the past two weeks I've had insatiable cravings for:

Salad: specifically with beautifully crunchy romaine lettuce and all the toppings from the Whole Foods salad bar. The Husband can't appreciate my $9-three-days-a-week must-have fix just yet, but when my child has all four limbs, a nose and two eyes...buddy, HE IS GONNA THANK ME. (Note: there are .05 grams of protein in a bag of gummi worms...)

Water with lemon: This may or may not have to do with the fact that the water that comes from the water fountain in my centuries-old office building tastes centuries-old.

Watermelon: I actually ate an entire seedless watermelon in one sitting. And my stomach looked like it when finished - and full of water.

Chocolate milk: Look, it's kinda healthy.

Weather under 90 degrees: Because swooning is SO 1854. It's unbecoming in the middle of the mall, too.

A glass of REAL pinot noir. Because Alcohol Free Wine? No. Same goes for you, O'Doul's Amber Ale.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

She's back!

Ah, but I am no longer an unemployed housewife! In fact, my life has made a complete 180 since my last post. I got a job, I got a promotion, I made friends, I learned to love life and Texas and...

I'm pregnant!

I thought I'd continue my blog as a way for family and friends who are just ITCHING to know the ins and outs of my pregnancy. I'll be honest, being away from immediate family while pregnant will be hard. And it's not just because I know I won't get a baby shower! it?

So far, the pregnancy has been smooth sailing. I vaguely remember my sister living at home while she was pregnant and throwing up all day. I used to throw up in the kitchen sink just from hearing those wretched puking sounds. THAT is how much I hate puke in all forms. Yet, I am voluntarily sailing into puking waters with my own possible puking stage and baby puke. Ever notice baby puke smells like hot sour milk?

But so morning sickness! Just the occasional faintness and back pain like I've never experienced in my LIFE.

In fact, I made The Husband buy a FIFTH pregnancy test because...honestly? Shouldn't I feel something? A little twinge? A little tug? Do I have to be a mom to have a maternal instinct? I feel NOTHING. So in addition to four at-home tests, a urine test at the doctor and another test today....I'm finally convinced I am most likely, possibly pregnant.

I hope?

Wait...this is why everyone calls pregnant ladies crazy, right?