Friday, May 29, 2009
Don’t get me wrong. I love catching up with old friends. I love seeing pictures of their kids and what they do for a living (and I love explaining to them that I am unemployed. For the fourth time. It makes me seem really successful.) But…there are some things I just don’t need to know about my fellow Facebookers:
· What you did five minutes ago. Or ten minutes ago. Basically, if you update your Facebook status every hour … Your life is not that exciting. Because if it was? You wouldn’t be on Facebook in the first place.
· That you wish it was 5:00
· That you hate Mondays.
· That you wish it was Friday.
· That you wish it was still the weekend. We get it.
· That you are a fan of Raisinettes
· That you “sent” me a “cocktail.” I am unemployed bitches. Send me the real thing!
· That you are a fan of rainbows
· What ’80s song best describes you
· What Beverly Hills 90210 character you are
· That you want me to join your mafia family in a war. What does this even mean? Are we fighting? Are you having someone killed? Is there a Facebook app for that too?
· That you don’t like the new Facebook layout
· That you have thrown a shoe at me.
· What your errands are for the day.
I’m gonna make some frenemies with this post I know it.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Dull Knife Way (Or, where Freddie Krueger retired when he was done terrorizing sex-crazed teenagers on Elm street)
Pony Corral (unfortunately access to actual ponies was not listed among the home’s amenities.)
Rebel Grove (so much cooler than the Passive-Aggressive Grove two streets over)
Cpt. Steubing Ship Road (in this neighborhood, all of the streets have a nautical theme, which begs the question: Was "Loveboat" their inspiration?)
Cat Mesa (Rowllll.)
Lion Moon Road (It’s like they pulled two names out of a hat “Lion…Moon. Let’s just go with that.” Other suggested names: Dog Hat Drive, Car Tree Ave., Bird Milk Court)
Rocky Balboa Drive (formerly Apollo Creed Drive - until the big event in 1982)
Chivalry (Everyone’s really polite on this road. Ba dum bum! Thanks folks, I’ll be here all night.)
Crooked Stick Ave. (heh. I am 8 years old.)
Boatman Pier (Not even close to a body of water. Or a pier. Or boats.)
The Bends (Baby’s got 'em)
Dill Weed Run (Dumbass Road was taken)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I am now providing a valuable public service!
I am validated.
... And flattered anyone but my family (Hi Ed!) and friends (Hi Krissy!) would read my ramblings.
I should probably spellcheck and proofread now, huh? Perhaps my next employer will read this ... Scott Dalton - holla at a boo!
He wants me to stay positive.
Hi, I'm sorry Positive ... have we met? Because thinking about you has never garnered good results. And frankly, I am just not an optimist.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. Oh! and the Cavs lost! And I have ZERO job prospects in either city! And I'm pretty sure The Real Failure of Cleveland blog will not be as exciting for my four(!) followers.
**sound of me being kicked while down**
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
“It’s hot there.”
“That’s a big state.”
“You’ll be close to Mexico.”
“They have the best barbeque.”
“That’s far away from Ohio.”
"They call it the Lone Star State"
“They have Texan accents.”
“Kelly Clarkson is from Texas.”
“It gets really hot there in the summer.”
“It’s really hot there in the spring.”
“It’s hot there year-round.”
“It’s a dry heat… unless you’re in the southern part of the state. Then it’s not.”
“I think it rains a lot there.”
“There are a lot of Mexicans there.”
"I think the State Flower is a magnolia."
And my favorite:
“The Alamo has no basement.”
(That’s a shout-out from “PeeWee’s Big Adventure.” Rent it.)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
There was no gigantic number signifying the graduation year; no leaning, arms crossed, against a tree; no peek-a-boo shot out of the barn window; no awkward pose on a bale of hay because … you know, that really says "this is the last photo you will see of me sober until my wedding photos -cherish it and put it in your wallet!"
Now that I think about it, why were photographers in the ’90s so obsessed with country settings? We lived in the suburbs of Toledo for chrissake. I should have been leaning against the wall of the nearest strip mall.
My senior picture was the classic “look at yourself pensively in this mirror on the table in front of you” pose. I’m not even kidding. I’d post it here but I really try to forget those awkward teenage years before I found my friends eyebrow tweezer and hair pomade.
Maybe it’s time for some retakes. The funny thing? I still own the sweater I am wearing in my senior picture.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Child birth (I’m just guessing here)
Closing Guantanamo Bay
The U.S. Legislative System
The Indians winning the World Series
Learning the lyrics to “It’s the End of the World as we Know it” by REM
Finishing War and Peace
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Dear U.S. Army:
Here is a list of things I DO actually need to know about moving to San Antonio:
-How to freeze my mail service even though we have no new address
-How to register my car in Texas
-How to collect unemployment in Texas (I feel like the state of Ohio is all “yes! We lost another one! Someone in accounting gets a bonus!”)
-Suitable neighborhoods in San Antonio
-Does the Army offer career assistance to military spouses?
-How exactly is it that I will survive 25 hours in a car by myself on the drive down there?
-How to hire movers
-When to hire movers
-How to get out of my Urban Active contract
-How to gain access to my medical files so the doctors in Texas will know about my mental disorder
-How to fire the so-called welcome committee people who gave me three maps of San Antonio and no guidance on how to rent a house there.
Here is an actual list of things I now know or have due to our “welcome package:”
-We get discounts to Sea World, Six Flags and Disney World
-The Judson School System is geared to deal with military families
-Events/festivals going on in San Antonio in … May
-Coupons to the Hard Rock Café!
-The Military is one big family …nothing at all like that Lifetime series.
Perhaps when I get there we can discuss possible career opportunities for me in the Family Services and Recreation division of Ft. Sam Houston. I have a feeling I have a lot to bring to this table. We’ll start with coupons to the nearest bar because I have a feeling I will be spending a lot of time there.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Or so Janet Baker, HR Assistant Manager at WB Digital Media, would like me to believe.
Logging onto Craigslist is always dicey – you might be murdered or find your soulmate who ALSO likes sploshing ... OR you can get a high-paying job with lots of benefits without even sending a resume!
Desperate times call for desperate measures as they say and yesterday I checked around on the San Antonio craigslist. I came across a job listing for a content producer/copyeditor for Web sites. Sure. I can do that.
This was my message to “Janet.”
“Hi – is this position legitimate? If so, I am interested in learning more.”
This morning…I received this email (I highlighted a few of my favorite parts):
In reply to your application for the position at WB Digital Media, I would like to apologize for the delay in getting back to you, the number of applicants from Craigslist has been huge and it has taken quite some time to sort through the junk / spam applications and the serious candidates.
I am however happy to inform you that your resume or I didn't initial details have been reviewed positively and you have progressed to the final stage. We are interested in speakling with you as soon as possible as you meet our qualifications perfectly.
We believe an employee who is well rewarded and motivated is the key to our growth oriented company, for that reason we offer our employees competitive payment and health packages along with other key benefits to be discussed at interview stage.
As part of routine checks on all potential employees who have reached this stage, we require applicants to complete a security / credit check to verify your details. This allows us to weed out false applications, time wasters, illegals and so forth.
Please note: We can not and will not use bad credit to deny your application (your credit history itself is not relevant), a full credit check however does allow us to verify accurately, legal US citizenship, employment history, social security references and a verifiable confirmation of address. (so does a resume - or an interview - you ass hat)
To get your free report we recommend using this provider or another similar trusted company.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION: Please DO NOT under any circumstances email us your credit report as it contains confidential information that is purely for your own benefit. (sooo if you aren't going to see it...you need me to do this why, exactly?)
When the HR department contacts you again shortly with full details on the position, human resources we will simply need some non confidential pieces of information from that report to verify your details.
Once again thank you for your interest in the position, we will be in further contact shortly.
Yours faithfully (nice touch! she cares, she really does!)
HR Assistant Manager
WB Digital Media
So, let me get this straight - all I have to do is input sensitive personal information into this web site for my “credit report” and I am on my way to a new career!? Sign. Me. Up.
Monday, May 11, 2009
"High school diploma or equivalent experience with college courses in English, journalism, bookkeeping or accounting (!) is required."
As much as I’d like to think I’m a talented dancer – my mother will tell you otherwise. As a kid I was forced to take tap-dancing lessons and parade around in costumes that just would NOT happen outside of a strip club today: One year I wore a tiger-print leotard for my recital. With fish-nets, naturally. Rrrowl. And the next year? I wore the equivalent of a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader uniform. How is it that I didn’t make the career move to stripper?
Oh yes, coordination. I could never perform unless I was watching my feet – So pole dancing would probably be out of the question.
But if you’re scared of Zumba. Let me break it down in the simplest way possible. A typical dance goes something like this:
Grapevine- 4 times
Do the cabbage patch- 4 times
Mow the lawn – 4 times
More cabbage patching…
Hands in the air!
That’s it! I dare any Zumba dancer tell me otherwise.
Friday, May 8, 2009
But today…this popped up (it must be noted that this job came up when I used the keyword “journalism”):
Internal Medicine Physician
Opening for a civilian position as an Internal Medicine Physician at Wilford Hall Medical Center at Lackland Air Force Base, San Antonio, Texas.
Perhaps those seven extra years of school aren’t needed after all. Maybe all you really need to make it in the medical field is “superb communication skills” and passion for proper punctuation.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Would I have followers if I Twittered? Or would I just be another pompous asshole who thinks everyone wants to read my shit? I mean, a blog is so much more humble.
I am such a minority at the grocery store during the day. The demographics are about:
· 70 percent people older than f*ck
· 29 percent crazy people who just want to eat the free samples, and
· 1 percent sarcastic unemployed editors
Whoever watches "Marley and Me" and doesn’t absolutely sob their eyes out is dead inside.
I am not qualified to be the editor of Cowboys and Indians magazine because one of the job requirements is: "Familiarity with cowboys and indians or Western lifestyle is a plus." Cowboys can suck it.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A list of ACTUAL magazine titles in Texas (and no, I’m not above applying for all of them):
Tea in Texas Magazine - designed to enhance the enjoyment of travel, tea and fine living. (I am betting they use the headlines "tea time!" and"coffee, tea or me?" at least once an issue)
Cowboys & Indians Magazine – upscale Western lifestyle magazine (so wrong on so many levels.)
Divorce Magazine - in more than 100 cities across the U.S.!
Texas Horse Talk - Texas' top equine magazine for horse hobbyists and enthusiasts. (do we get to talk to horses though?)
Top ‘O' Texas Football Magazine: The only publication/web site devoted to football in West Texas. (it's not! there are about 76 magazines covering football in Texas - from all angles, regions and levels!)
That! Texas Magazine - bridges the gap between city, suburban, and rural living by connecting you with your community through in-depth coverage of lifestyles, ... (as opposed to This! Texas magazine)
Texas Cache Artifact Magazine (wtf?)
Competitor Texas - the definitive endurance sports publication of the Texas area (Read: your local steroids catalog)
Last I checked, Texas is in U.S.A.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Hey, asshole – newsflash: When you are unemployed no one is exactly throwing dollar bills at you (because then you would be an EMPLOYED stripper). Yeah. I have 24-hours a day with no responsibilities. And NO MONEY to do anything. I spend a lot of time at the library.
“Have you thought about going back to school? They always need nurses.”
Yes I have…and I am aware of the increasing importance of the nursing shortage in the U.S. However, I also have no transferrable skills. Journalism – Nursing. They don’t exactly need my flare for satire on the operating table.
“Well, now’s the perfect time to have a baby.”
Yes, because of all that MONEY we have coming in. My child will not be on WIC and run around in nothing but a diaper thankyouverymuch.
“You’re getting paid by the government to do NOTHING. That’s awesome."
Um, I have to fill out forms every week proving that I have a brain and will not take advantage and suck on the teet of the unemployment office. Oh, and unemployment lasts for nine months.
“Can you [insert stupid task or errand that is typically accomplished during the day] for me?”