Thursday, April 23, 2009

"Natural Glow"

You know those commercials and ads for self tanners that tell you that all you need to do is slather on their products and 10 minutes later you’re out the door?

I’m here to tell you that sometimes people lie in commercials.

Since I am freelancing out of the comfort of my own home I have some … uh, liberties … when it comes to the dress code. Let’s go over my morning in an attempt to get a “nature looking tan in just minutes and in one easy step":

Step 1. Step out of shower, dry off.

Step 2. Apply first layer of sunless tanner

Step 3. Work for 10 minutes in underwear while self tanner dries.

Step 4. Work for another 20 minutes …because the product people LIE.

Step 5. 10 more minutes ….

Step 6. Now feel safe to put on clothes and stop feeling creepy about walking around in underwear during the day.

Step 7. Forgot feet! Apply more tanner to feet.

Step 8. Work barefoot. Because this is Cleveland and we are cheap….feet begin to get frostbite because we keep the heat at 63 degrees. WTF Jim?

Step 9. 20 minutes later, notice strange orange rash on palms of hands.

Step 10. Realize I forgot to wash hands after applying tanner to feet. Doh!

Step 11. Wash hands.

Step 12. An hour later am noticing nice tan-ish look everywhere – except hands.

Step 13. Briefly consider career as mime.

Step 14. Use paper towels to apply tanner to hands.

Step 15. Do not wash hands for two hours. (I know, ew. But this is a necessary beauty ritual.)

Step 16. Now have orange fingernails.

Step 17. Feverishly wash fingernails – manage to get them looking somewhat Caucasian.

Step 18. Now notice spots I missed - like vast planes of missed areas. Shrug and vow to tell people “I have that condition that Michael Jackson claims he has.”

Step 19. Wonder just HOW bad tanning beds can actually be. They take ten minutes. This self tanning process has taken an entire Wednesday.

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