Monday, August 31, 2009

Dr. No

I went to the doctor today for what I thought was a short “check up” to “Get me in the system” meaning TriCare – the health plan for all members of the military. I had some routine things – weight, temperature, BP, etc. which was high and the nurse didn’t get my joke that my BP has performance anxiety and is always high when someone checks it.

Three times … still high. She puts a red flag on it for the doctor. The fuh?

Then I go through the third degree where she racks up more things to do to me, smiling wickedly the whole time. I have a feeling she was not very popular in nursing school.

Did you know you need a tetanus shot every 10 years? I was scolded for not having one up to date. Shame on me. It’s not like I am habitually coming into contact with rusty nails (But doesn’t that sould like a cool name for a band? "Tonight! Tentanus Shot and the Rusty Nails!" It’s mine. I am copyright protecting it tomorrow).


So I get a shot. Then, Nurse Ratchet checks my record and proclaims, “It’s been over a year since your last pap! We need to correct that right away!” I swear she squealed with delight and clapped her hands.

Let me tell you, getting a Pap Smear is never the idea of a good time for any girl. Getting a surprise Pap Smear? That's just playing dirty. Why not just tell me that I am also going into labor?

An hour and several tests and exams later I am on my way - shaking and dazed - with an appointment time for MORE blood work. This time, I know in advance that a needle’s comin’ at me.

And no one will be anywhere near my cookie.

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